“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, its learning to dance in the rain”
One of the more annoying symptoms I have on a regular basis is insomnia. The annoying part is if I can’t sleep because of pain then as the length of insomnia increases…. so will the pain and then I’m left to be an unwilling participant on this vicious merry-go-round. On the positive side, I saw this quote and thought it would be perfect for this tidbit.
Oddly enough I don’t ever remember suffering from insomnia. Sure, when my ex husband and I became parents to a preemie who was constantly in and out of several doctor offices for the first 4 years – then I’m certain we both felt like we were going to die of sleep deprivation, at least at some points in that roller coaster. But I’m chalking that up as normal for NICU parents.
So safely ruling that out I don’t believe the insomnia started until well after I woke up with a kink in my neck that never went away. It probably didn’t help matters that the following year my emotional well-being would be tested in ways I never could predicted. I will say I’ve thought about some of the what ifs like if I wasn’t going through a divorce with a small child at that time, would my neck pains have been caught early enough that I wouldn’t stand here with a scar on my throat, the huge titanium plate inside of my neck (that cost more than my new car!), and the myelopathy that has plagued me since it lit up the MRI and my pain was finally given a name. Or was it all part of some master plan? (I’m still looking for the complaints department to demand a refund!) 😊
I think it’s perfectly normal to play the what if game. Maybe this is a touch of the bargaining game of grief. But something deep inside me thinks this happened to me for a reason – that it would be the biggest test of my life thus far: to accept that I never will have a pain free day ever again.
That’s a tall order, even for someone like me. Up until I was given the news of the severity of the situation and that I would require immediate surgery, I had a lot of storms pass through my short life; and I always came out a better person because of the experience – no matter what the cost was to me emotionally or spiritually.
So why is it hard to comprehend that this storm is the black rain cloud that will follow my every move? I’m not even remotely sure that I have the answer this early, but at least I know to put rain boots on my proverbial shopping list and keep coaching myself on the mantra: Progress – Not Perfection!